I don’t know. It’s not the kind of thing I think about every day. But it’s not like I’ve never thought about it either. I hesitate to even admit what “it” is, for fear “it” could then happen.
Okay. Fuck it. I’m talking about…getting…okay…gettinghijacked.
Do you see how fast I said that? “Gettinghijacked”. I had to put the two words together to get them out of my mouth at all. It’s kind of like not saying what I’m thinking, while still having the opportunity to broach the subject, all the while hoping that I’m not putting out some kind of vibes into the universe that will get me fucking hijacked.
Fine. The only reason I’m thinking about this now is that I just finished reading an article on dailymail.co.uk. If you want a source for every possible type of news (and non-news), this is a gold mine, maybe even a diamond mine. And if there is anything better than a diamond mine, that, too.
Being over-informed is often overrated. I could have had my pick of topics this morning: from Donald Trump to Ivanka Trump and on to Anti-Trump—from Saudi playboy to celebrity playdates and Kylie Jenner’s 5 hour manicures. I think my favorite headline of the day was “Is My Vagina Normal?”
I skipped most of the piece about the “tiara-loving socialite” (she was, indeed, wearing a tiara in her selfie) who is being charged with biting another passenger in a first class airplane cabin. It didn’t interest me enough because, mostly, I couldn’t relate. I don’t wear tiaras, I haven’t found myself in first class lately, and, to date, I have not bitten anyone. I realize there is still time.
Here is the headline that caught my attention enough for me to click through and find out what was happening during that EgyptAir hijacking the other day. The one where the hijacker was wearing a fake explosives vest and demanding a four page letter be delivered to his ex-wife in Cypress. (Personally, I would have checked to see if FedEx delivers from Egypt to Cypress and skipped the hassle of commandeering a plane, but that's just me.) Okay, right. The headline:
“EgyptAir hostage reveals passengers' hilarious reactions, including one husband who rang his wife... only to find her main concern was getting him to tell her his BANK DETAILS”
I think what drew me to this particular article was the presence of the words “hostage” and “hilarious”, together, in the first half of the first sentence. To quote from the article, one passenger (an Egyptian surgeon) had the following to say:
'Most of the people managed to stay calm, but as usual passengers on board made my day.’
'A lovely Egyptian chap decided to call all his family and friends one by one in the middle of the hijacked plane when we were about to land to Cyprus.’
'Another funny husband calling [sic] his wife to tell her about some money he was hiding in a bank and the funniest part is his wife forgetting about the hijack thing and asking him to repeat the bank name.’
'Another lovely guy was sleeping and woke up to be informed we are landing in Cyprus and his funny response was 'why Cyprus??!..I will miss my connection.'
From these bits of information I can tell you two things. One—if this surgeon can have his day made during a hijacking, he’s gotta be one cool dude in the operating room. Two—I’d like to know how any follow-up conversation turned out between the husband who was hiding money and the wife who asked him to repeat the name of the bank.
I will say, if I were to find myself in a situation like this, I would pray for the same fake vest scenario, take enough medication to lose consciousness, and—if I could see to dial a phone call before passing out—I’d have to tell my husband where I keep his M&Ms and extra toothpaste. At least there’d be nothing to fight about later…when I make it home.