Membership Rewards

Okay. Short and to the point. I thought I was a genius.

My new 2011 American Express Membership Rewards booklet arrived over the weekend. I tend to throw these things out, mostly because the minute I start to think about how one redeems points, I project myself into a realm of overwhelming complications and break out into a cold sweat. I know some people are good at this point redeeming thing. I am not. I would like to be, but I'm not.

I didn't throw the booklet out. Perhaps out of laziness, perhaps out of a secret desire to look through it and see if there was anything really, really worth breaking out into a cold sweat over. I doubt, however, that I can blame Sunday's cold sweat, fever, and puking my guts out on the Membership Rewards booklet. For one thing, it was sitting downstairs, unopened on the kitchen counter while, upstairs, I express shuttled back and forth between the bedroom and bathroom.

Today, Tuesday, while still sipping ginger ale and dining on saltines, I decided to brave it and have a look at 2011's Membership Rewards. As I suspected, I couldn't make heads or tails out of how most of it works. Air travel, certificates, transfer points, hotels, vacuum cleaners. I could even upgrade my Costco membership. I was all out of cold sweat from the weekend but I was pretty much feeling that "toss-the-booklet-in-the-trash" feeling. Until...

On the very last page, the one before the program's Terms and Conditions, I saw the words, "Use points toward tax payments...starting at 200 points." Now, you realize, I have never used any of my points because, well, you know why. I explained it all above. So, I'm thinking that with all these points I have, I might be able to pay a gazillion dollars in taxes. Or at least half a gazillion. Now I'm happy I didn't throw out the booklet.

I went online to find out about this fantastic point redeeming option. I didn't get very far before I realized I would be better off calling a live person to ask about this. I called the 800 number listed and spoke to a very nice woman. I asked her about paying my taxes with points. She wondered if I would mind holding for a quick second while she got me the information. Mind? I was practically ecstatic at the thought of what she was going to come back to tell me. After more than the quick second (but who was counting?), the woman came back on the line and informed me that I have enough points to pay $ 985. of my federal taxes.

My vision of a zero balance owed to the feds danced, like sugar plums, out of my head. The nice woman suggested using the points for air travel and hotels since the points seem to be worth more that way. I agreed. So I asked if she could help me figure out where I could fly to and where to stay... someplace the government won't find me when I don't pay my taxes.